CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.

Suddenly, a baby starts crying.

"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette."

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

Q: What's the difference between the 1960's and the 2000's?

A: In the 2000's, a guy goes into a chemist shop and shouts, "Give me a box of condoms!" ... and then whispers to the shop assistant, "Oh, and slip in a packet of cigarettes, too."

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go"

"This one's empty ... no-one's looking... you go in first"

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"

Sniff sniff

"Ah perfume - you think of everything"

"This is great....." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

American Drugstores: Why do drugstores make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

The Giant Cigarette Lighter

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, that's a huge lighter...where did you get it?" The guy replies "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

The sex was so good, even the neighbours had a cigarette afterwards.

Mornin', Ole,

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and maybe a few times during the year.

One Sunday, Ole was sitting in the pew right behind Lena and got to noticing what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," Lena replied.

Ole was tickled as all get out. All week long he polished his old Ford truck. On Friday he picked up Lena and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked at Lena and asked, "Lena, vould you a cocktail before supper?"

"Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Ole was a little taken back, but he didn't say much about it. After dinner, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering Lena one.

"Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole was feeling kind of low, having had two offers rebuffed. On the way home, was they passed the Hot Springs Motel, he figured, heck, he'd struck out twice, so he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena, vould you like to stop at the motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," she replied.

Ole couldn't believe his luck. He whipped his Ford into the parking lot, jumped out of the truck, ran into the hotel office, checked in, ran back out, and took Lena right to the hotel room.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying on the bed, her hair spread out all over the pillow. "Vat have I done, vat have I done?" Ole thought. He shook Lena awake. "Lena, I've got to ask you von thing."

"Vot's dat?" she said, sleepily.

"Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time."

Notice displayed on a plane:

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.

We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of the Boy Scouts?

A: He was up to two packs a day.

Rabbit Yarn

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the testing laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight, lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'

What's the result of smoking too much?

Coffin.

My husband, Stan, decided to give up smoking but needed help to overcome the habit. He consulted an acupuncture specialist, who inserted small needles at specific points in both his ears. "When you feel like smoking," he told Stan, "put your fingers into your ears, and press hard on the needles."

One day shortly after, while Stan was in the elevator in his office building, he had a strong urge for a cigarette. Since only the piped-in music accompanied him in the elevator, he put his fingers into both ears, closed his eyes and concentrated on pressing on the needles. Suddenly, the elevator doors opened and there stood a dozen people waiting to get on. Feeling rather foolish, Stan sheepishly removed his fingers from his ears in time to hear one of them mutter. "I don't think the music is that bad."

I had been a heavy smoker since I was a teenager, but to my surprise was able to quit "cold turkey." However, my weight shot up and I felt very self-conscious. When a friend congratulated me on giving up cigarettes, I exclaimed, "But look at all these added pounds!"

Her reply was one I'll always treasure. "Oh, my dear, don't worry about that!" she said. "Just think of all the extra years you will have in which to lose them."

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brook Shields

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says “Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!”

“That's OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I'm a computer programmer”

“So? What's that got to do with anything?”

“We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors.”

A doctor asked his patient trying to quit smoking, "Do you smoke after sex?"

She responded, "I don't know. I never looked."

Nicotine addiction is like an itch. If you itch, it's nice to scratch it. But better to have no itch at all. - Dali Lama

Overheard, "You know, lady, you don't actually smoke. The cigarette does all the smoking, you are just the sucker!"

"It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."

Not only does it feel good, Garry... smoking can in fact be good for you.
At university we conducted a simple experiment.
We took 20 live worms and divided them into two groups of 10.
We then placed one group into a glass of pure drinking water and one group into a glass of water through which we filtered the smoke from a packet of B&H Extra Milds.
The worms in the drinking water lived for 7 days, but the worms in the smokey water died an agonising death in less than 30 minutes, proving that if you smoke, you won't get worms...

Tobacco drieth the brain, dimmeth the sight, vitiateth the smell, hurteth the stomach, destroyeth the concoction, disturbeth the humors and spirits, corrupteth the breath, induceth a trembling of the limbs, exsiccateth the windpipe, lungs, and liver, annoyeth the milt, scorcheth the heart, and causeth the blood to be adjusted. - Tobias Venner, (1577-1660). Bloomsbury book of quotations.

Spike Milligan & The Goons

Schoolchildren and adults alike in England and around the world, laughed themselves silly listening to The Goons on radio back in the 50s and 60s. Spike, Harry Secombe and Peter Sellers reunited in 1972 to do a one off special called "The Last Goon Show of All".

Spike, from Australia, (His Grandmother lived in Woy Woy - yes really), was sent to fight in World War 11 and started writing and performing for other troops. Here's a bit of classic Spike humor...

This is a short extract as Spike describes the paroxysms of the heavy smokers among his fellow soldiers having their first cigarette of the day.

"As the cough rose up the inflated throat, the whole six colours were pushed up into the victim's face. It had now reached the inner mouth; the last line of defense, the cheeks, were blown out to the size of football bladders. The climax was nigh. The whole body was now a purple shuddering mass. After several mammoth attempts to contain the cough, the mouth would finally explode open! Loose teeth would fly out, bits of breakfast and a terrible rasping noise filled the room. Aweeioussheiough!! Followed by a long, silent stream of spume-laden air; on and on it went until the whole body was drained of oxygen, the eyes were popping, and veins like vines standing out on the head, which was now down 'twixt the knees."

The Leg

The other day I gave a cough
And there and then my leg fell off
A policeman near gave it a stare
And said, you cannot leave it there

I took it to a Doc who said
I'm sorry but this leg is dead
I was so shocked I started grieving
Then I heard the leg still breathing

When I knew it wasn't dead
I rushed it to a hospital bed
It was stitched back on by Dr Hay
But facing, alas the other way

Now, when I walk I have found
I only go around and around

A young girl and mid aged lady are smoking together.

Young girl: I'm so cool, I look really grown up!

Mid aged lady: I'm so grown up, I look really ten years older already!

Stop Press!

One thousand Americans stop smoking every day... by dying.

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes.

The best way to stop smoking is to carry wet matches.

When I looked back, I realised I was colliding with the person behind me even though we weren't touching.

Some people throw thrash in the street.
Other people have to clean it up.

At the beach.

I was looking for shells but all I could find were cigarette butts.

I threw my cigarette butt into the drain.
That is to say, I hid it in the drain.

Before passing gas I look behind me.
But I don't bother when I'm smoking.

Some people smoke one step away from a non-smoking area.
Oh, I do that, too.

When I bumped into someone, I apologised.
When my smoke hit your face, I said nothing.

I was passing through a crowd carrying a flame.
But that's best left to the Olympic torch runner.